Mom and the Anarchist
(this is unfortunately a true story from 2008 and too good not to share)
Mornings are usually uneventful: coffee, let the dogs out, let the dogs in, let the dogs out, check my email, let the dogs in, more coffee. But this morning Mom called and she almost never calls me, I usually call her, but this morning she called. The conversation began on the usual note of “hello! It's me...ha..ha..ha!”, but it rapidly deteriorated into “I think I’m in trouble with the FBI”.
“Which FBI?” I asked without blinking, my mom is straight as an arrow, odd, but otherwise straight. “How many FBIs are there? I’m being followed by men in black and helicopters!” She was yelling into the phone now over the beating of a helicopter apparently hovering over her condo. I blinked, took a sip of coffee and sat down in front of my laptop. “Ok Mom, take it from the top, what did you do to tick off the FBI”? “I had my teeth cleaned!” she was still shouting over the din of the blades, “and the taxi didn’t come back to pick me up!” That seemed like a rational reason for the FBI to get involved. I knew there was more to the story so I made the requisite listening noises one makes while waiting. “I don’t have much time, he’s in the bathroom” she had lowered her voice and was evidently cuffing her hand around the phone. “Who is in your bathroom?” I was concerned now. Having the FBI after my Mom was not nearly the worry that a man in her bathroom was. Mom didn’t like men, didn’t want them in her life let alone in her bathroom. “My dentist!” she whispered. Ok, that also seemed rational, her dentist, in her bathroom after having her teeth cleaned, why not? The phone went dead. I took a couple more sips of coffee before trying her number. No answer. Mom didn’t believe in voice mail so the line rang and rang. I hung up and considered calling 911 but what would I say? My Mom’s dentist is in her bathroom and FBI helicopters are hovering over her condo? I decided to wait. Mom called back. “He’s gone” she said flatly. “And the FBI?” I asked. “They’re gone too” she breathed deeply. “Okay Mom”, I said with more concern in my voice than I wanted her to hear, “ what exactly is going on there?” Mom finally was able to give me a chronological explanation of the morning events and it was rather mesmerizing. Here's what happened.
Mom took a cab (she sold her car after a fender-bender) to get her teeth cleaned. Her dentist, a known anarchist, with propaganda instead of National Geographics in his waiting room gave her his usual spiel about how the government was infiltrating everything and he was fighting to combat the administration (then George W) and the FBI was after him because they know he's part of a larger group that plans to...well you get the picture. Mom's cab didn't come back to pick her up so the dentist, who was eager to entice her to donate her social security check to his worthy cause, gave her a lift home. And yes, helicopters did follow them and yes, did hover over Mom's condo and yes, did leave when the dentist left. Whew. So after listening to all of this from Mom I advised her to find another dentist.
About a year later Mom was going to have her teeth cleaned and I asked about her dentist. “Oh I found a new dentist” she said. I asked about the old dentist and she took a deep breath and said “he's in prison”. “Really?!” I said. “Yes,” she said, “they caught him and some of the group just after he left my condo last year. It was in the news. CNN. I had to find another dentist.”
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